Releasing What No Longer Serves Us

Just before the buds were forming, I took time and really noticed the trees – seemingly bare with many shades of grey as the light reflected off them; standing tall, reaching toward the sun.  As I looked more closely, I observed some dried leaves from autumn that were still clinging to some of the branches.  The dried leaves were few and although one tree had five or six, another, one or two, the next had none.  I pondered the thought of the old-fashioned winter we just experienced and wondered how in the world these dried, dead leaves were able to hang on.

Next, the idea of us came to my mind.  How we too can hang onto things from the past that no longer serve us.  They may no longer have a purpose and serve us, yet we allow them to hang on.  Our dried leaves may be beliefs, stories, disempowering feelings, trapped emotions and more. 

Just like the trees, when the season changes, new growth bursts forth from within us; however, unlike the trees, we are still affected by these things that hang on and refuse to be released.  These things may not always be obvious to us and we may even think we let them go.  Meanwhile, they are running in the background in our subconscious mind. 

Like software running in our computer, they affect our performance.  When our computer is not working to its full potential, we may run a scan, defrag, troubleshoot, ask for guidance, and discover helpful tips to remedy the situation.  So what do we do for us?  How do we uncover the things that no longer serve us and release them, so we can live more in line with our full potential?

This is the journey.  This is the path we are on.  Just as the things that no longer serve us were left behind year after year, the journey of releasing them, takes time.  We are in the process of learning how to release them fully.  

Many articles here on I’m a Shining Soul have shared tools of self-discovery and healing.  As well, there are many ways yet to be discovered. 

Healing the past and releasing all that no longer serves us takes time, focus and effort, but it is so worth it!  As we release what no longer serves us, leaf by leaf, our soul shines ever more brightly!

~ Sherry Buikema

YOU ARE Important

Do you equate importance with money and fame? Do you measure your self-worth based on your physical appearance?

If so, you need to dig much deeper to find your true value. True value comes from your heart, soul, mind—spirit. You are a powerful, sentient being who rises above what this world uses as a measuring stick for success and importance.

What makes YOU important? First, know that you were the moment you were given life. You are unique, no one talks like you, looks like you, thinks like you. And, most certainly, no one can live your life for you. That fact alone makes you important.

Repeat this truth and make it your heartfelt belief—YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.

Think about that for a moment. One of a kind artifacts are rare, but they are also priceless. There isn’t a monetary value you can attach to them. How much more so is this true when it comes to you—a living being!

Why is it so often that as humans we base level of importance on financial success? Maybe it’s because we’ve been hurt, or we’re low. We can use money, or success, to hide behind, to derive comfort from. If we’re absorbed with chasing a buck, there isn’t time to reflect and ‘be.’

Think of Linus (from Charlie Brown) walking around with his blanket all the time. Metaphorically, is that how you picture yourself when it comes to your thoughts on self-worth? Do you shrink back and find ‘escape’ through distorted perceptions your importance? Do you medicate with alcohol or drugs to avoid true reflection? 

Just remember this: If all you had was yourself in this world, you would still be important!

How Can I?

Along the way we meet many friends that teach us a great deal.  I often re-remember a teaching of my good friend and life/career coach, Brian.  I remember one occasion I said to him about an upcoming event, “I can’t come.”  He said back to me, “If you want to, why not ask, how can I?” 

Quite often we will make a blanket statement about our situation, feelings, etc. to ourselves and others.  With a statement, our minds are closed with no room for other possibilities.   It is a fact, a done deal, so-to-speak.  But what if there is something we truly want, should we give up on it so quickly?

As in the above example, we want to go and have fun with a group of friends and our responsibilities on the surface, seem to be stopping us.  Asking the question, “How can I?” opens up the possibilities.  Our brain has been given a task, a problem to solve.  It is very good at it!  Suddenly, it gives us all kinds of ideas on how to make something happen.

In the context of grieving over a loss in our life, we have talked in detail about honoring the grieving process.  With understanding, compassion, self-love, and gently allowing ourselves to experience the steps we need to go through.  All of this is very important, with each person taking the time they need.  Eventually, we begin to notice that we no longer want to feel this way.  We recognize that this event can no longer be a determining factor of our happiness.  We are ready to move forward. 

For a long time we may even say, if only to ourselves, “I can’t let that go!”  Then one day, when we are ready, we will ask ourselves “How can I?”  Look out because when we ask this question, our whole life begins to change!  Our mind responds with ideas, people around us speak randomly about tools and tips; teachers, books, radio, television, internet articles and more come into our awareness with great speed and ease!

The question “How can I?” can be applied to every aspect of our life.  The question has the power to orchestrate the world around us, bringing us the people and resources we need to reach our goal.  It is as if the people and things around us are puppets on a string, waiting to come into our path at just the right moment.

All we did is change our mind, moving from a closed stand on the subject, to being open to possibilities; possibilities for growth, self-discovery and healing on all levels.  By opening to these new ways, we begin to lovingly take back our power; the power to create our life with more joy than we could have imagined.

When we recognize that this has happened many times in our life already and will continue to happen with grace and ease, our heart overflows with gratitude for the masterpiece that is our life!

~ Sherry Buikema

Letting Go

One of the hardest things in this life is the balancing of priorities with our dreams and desires. But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can let go and allow ourselves to be. We are ultimately the sole deciding factor in life’s equation. 

Yes, there are times when things happen in our lives outside our control. We feel pulled this way and that, like we are a piece of fabric blowing in the wind, but what if our life lesson in this moment is to learn to let go? To go with the flow? To follow the prodding of our heart and soul?

There will be many excuses, maybe even valid obligations that prevent you from doing what would ultimately feed your soul, but you have to take advantage of the nudges you feel to follow your soul’s path. This is for your healing, your discovery, your ultimate wellbeing.

You know what? It’s okay to surrender, it’s okay to drop things and go off last minute if you are following a direction the Universe is pointing you in. When you do, this is when miracles happen. You uncover your truth, your purpose, your divine path—and you’re the only one that can live yours for you.

Embrace your inner beauty, your magnetic draw to a place, person, thing, or hobby. You are being pulled to your destination for a goal. You might not even know what that is, but trust me, it will be made known in time.

I follow my own advice. I’m writing this article from my sister’s great room, what she has labeled her healing room. I do give it that ability. The energy and the beautiful surroundings, the wind singing in the trees resonates through every fiber in my being, lifting me up to a more spiritual plane of existence.  And I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for following an inner nudge. You see, going back 48 hours I didn’t even know I would be here. I booked train tickets last minute to come down, but I had been mentioning coming here for weeks. It built up inside me to the point where I could no longer ignore the prompting of the Universe.

Now, I’m here? I know that it was my purpose at this point in my life. It reminded both myself and my sister that, you know what, it’s okay to slow down a bit, take life as it comes, exist in the now. This is my first morning waking up here and it’s not even noon and I’ve experienced enlightenment and healing.

I feel completely blessed that I am even but a visitor, and welcome guest in her home and to her property. Nature holds the key to healing, to taking the blur of our lives and slowing it down to a frame-by-frame snapshot. You don’t always get that ability in the city. There’s the hurried pace of making a living, traffic, and distraction with media. Yet, with this said, even when surrounded by the beauty of nature, one can allow themselves to become deviated from their course if they are not careful.  We all need to remember to breathe, to follow our inner nudges. Trust me, even from this experience so far, this getaway is exactly what my soul needed.

You Have Blue Hair

If I told you that you have blue hair, how would you respond? Would you start to see hues of blue in your blonde? Would you second-guess your hair color? Or would you more likely emphatically tell me I’m color blind?

Unless you literally do have blue hair (which is possible) you would likely tell me I’m crazy.

Well, then, why is it when we’re hurting we allow what people say to affect us, to warp our sense of self, to redefine who we are?

Unfortunately, when we’re hurting all of the negative floods our thinking. We don’t think it’s possible to see through the pessimistic haze. I’m here to give you hope. You can. In fact you can do anything you put your mind to. Of course, you can’t fly by flapping your arms, so I guess we do have some limitations, but not many.

Think of it this way. When you’re sad, hurt, angry, or experiencing any emotions that tear you down, what is really affected? If you answered your ego, you are correct.  So to feel better, we have to separate ourselves from our ego, or image of self.

How can we do that? Live in the now. In other words, find peace in a tranquil state. If you meditate, meditate. If you just allow yourself to ‘be’, do that.

See, when we go still, we allow the other things to wash away. We realize that actions by others, the emotions we’re feeling, they don’t define us. We acknowledge that we’re greater than what we’re undergoing.

You can also use past experience to help you heal. Refer to your journal (if you haven’t started one, it’s a great aid) and recognize if you’ve been through similar situations. Think about how you handled it and moved forward. What would you do differently? If the same scenarios keep coming up in your life, you may be attracting them to you. What can you do to change this? Think about it. Analyze it.

In your journey to self-discovery you’ve likely uncovered things that make you happy. Take the time to immerse yourself in these activities. (See the post, Remembering to Play.) If the negative comments of others, or even self-talk, natter away at you, release them from your body. 

There have been times I’ve actually ‘swept’ my arms out from my body while saying “I release the negative’’ followed by a deep breath in and the words “I embrace the positive.” I discovered this mantra on my own and it proved to be very helpful for me. You always know it is what you need when energy tremors through you.

Another useful tool is to read positive feedback or comments you may have received. As an author this has been favorable reviews, emails from readers, comments in-person, but it can also be something like a photograph that spurs a happy memory.

Just remember this, if someone tells you that your hair is blue and it is clearly blonde, laugh and move on--SHINE! :D

Coming Alive After Heartbreak

When our heart gets broken, it turns our lives upside down. Sadly, that’s not an exaggerated statement either. Everything that we had known in our life, about our life, is sent into a spin.

We might ‘not even know which way is up’ to pull from a well-known phrase. As we’ve discussed on this blog already, as you’re working through loss, you experience a bunch of different emotions—and most of the time they don’t hit you one at a time. It would be wonderful if they did, but usually they come together in a compact ball.

It can be hard to sort out exactly how you are feeling. Just remember your feelings don’t define you. (Refer to the article, “Who Am I?”)

Still, you will experience depression and the thoughts that you’ll never be happy again. Remember these are lies you are telling yourself. You are giving power to other people, whether they know it or not. (Refer to the article “You Deserve to Be Happy”)

In truth, this specific post was inspired when I looked at two plants I have. Here’s why. One, I’m not the best gardener unless the plants are outside in the summer. Then I find solace in watering them and appreciating their beauty. But for some reason when a couple come inside for the winter months, I forget to water them. I don’t give them much thought. (Yes, I wouldn’t hire me to be your gardener.)

Anyhow, this year my husband and I had two to bring in—a banana tree and a…its name is escaping me but the flowers are absolutely beautiful! (see the picture at the top of this post). I got on things before the frost and sprayed them to kill mites (something I know you have to do before bringing plants in from outside). Well, I got preoccupied. My plans to bring them in later that day…well, it didn’t happen. I remembered them two days later, and sadly in that time span we had frost.

My banana tree had withered up and my other plant had seen much better days. I still brought them into the house. I was determined to resurrect them! Well, days passed and I was starting to really think they weren’t coming back to life.

Surprise!

Life has a mind of its own.

The banana tree had grown a brand new leaf with another starting in its middle! If you don’t know banana trees, they grow like crazy. As one leaf comes up and unfolds, the next is curled up inside and ready.

My other plant which (I bow my head here in shame) lost all of its leaves, had green buds on the branches. Now it has leaves and it’s still growing strong.

So how does this help with our healing journey? Remember even though you might feel dead inside some days, low, depressed, and don’t hold out much hope for the future, you can turn things around! Be determined to thrive again, like my plants, and live!

Thoughts and Feelings

Everyone has experienced a disagreement with someone or perhaps the ending of a relationship and for the life of us, we can’t get “the story” to stop replaying in our head.  It is like the REPEAT button is stuck on.  It’s going over and over what we said, they said, they did, we did… It consumes all of our mental energy.  This is how our mind attempts to solve the problem we have given it.  So how do these thoughts affect our feelings?  Do we usually feel better after repeating this dialogue in our head over and over?

For the most part, it reinforces and even magnifies the way we are feeling and we feel worse!  It also has a way of collecting more disempowering feelings such as helplessness, worthlessness, hopelessness and loneliness.  So where do we go from here, when we are ready?  When we have had enough of “the story” and the accompanying feelings, what can we do?

Journaling for ourselves is good way of acknowledging our feelings and elaborating on why we feel the way we do.  However, taking it a step further one of the best ways for me was writing a letter to the other person and expressing what I feel and why. If there is no longer open communication with that person, I may choose to place the letter in a sealed envelope.  (Some would suggest burning it, however, that is up to you.)  As I progressed on my healing journey, when new insights affected my perspective, I have even written a second and a third letter.

Somehow this process seems to help.  Although you may not send the letter, you were able to express your feelings and the thoughts that accompany them directed to the other person.  You got them out of you.  You made some space inside you - space that can now be used for choosing new thoughts, so that feelings of hope and self-empowerment can move in and begin to grow.

~ Sherry Buikema

Who AM I?

When we experience a significant loss in our life we might say “I AM hurt, I AM angry, I AM disappointed” and so on.  This is the typical way we express our feelings, like they define who we are.  However, is it the truth? Are we these things?

The words “I am” are very powerful!  Anything that follows “I am” denotes a strong belief and conviction, as a statement of who we are -- we hold to it, as if it was the truth about us, like we own it.

As we have discussed, our feelings are there for us, to get us to slow down our hectic schedules long enough to hear their message. A wonderful tool to use when we are acknowledging and listening to our feelings is to write in a journal.  I have found it very helpful to use the words “I feel” followed by the feeling such as, “I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel disappointed.”  (Do you feel the difference? J)

By doing this, we place a little distance between ourselves and our feelings to allow for observation and perspective.  When we step back and observe our feelings this way, a glimmer of hope and self-empowerment stirs within us.  We no longer own it and now have the freedom to change the feelings if we want to.

Each experience we have in life is an opportunity for us to create who we are in response to it. So rather than defining ourselves by our feelings when we experience a loss, what if we asked, “Who am I now?” When responding, we can begin with “I am the one who….”

Before long we will remember “I am a shining soul.”

~ Sherry Buikema

Breaking Free from the Chains of Guilt

When painful situations arise in our life very often there is a load of guilt that goes along with it. We seek to find answers as to why we’re hurting and all too often that results in a pointed finger back at ourselves--even if it was the other party who wanted to part ways.

When it comes to a failed relationship...

You may feel guilty because the relationship broke up. But you have to really evaluate the reason for the dissolution. Was it because you wouldn’t change who you are? (See article on “Overcoming Self-Doubt”.) Was it because you did something that hurt them and it resulted in their separation from you?

Only you and that other person know the truth, but if you are feeling guilt for choosing yourself, your beliefs, your visions, your goals in life, it’s time to release this emotion. It is eating you from the inside out and paralyzing.

When it comes to losing a loved one in death...

There is nothing more painful than losing a loved one. It leaves behind a void so vast that it’s hard to comprehend how you are ever going to return to normal. Remember, it will take time to work through all of your feelings. (Refer to article “Honor Yourself”.)

One of these emotions will likely include guilt, either over something you said, or didn’t say, something you did, or didn’t do. But what wasted energy to worry about something that you cannot go back and change. Accept yourself for being human and know that person knew you loved them (our loved ones always have a way of knowing).

When it comes to a personal assault...

I’ve heard it said that victims of assault reason that it was their fault that it happened. They shouldn’t have been where they were, when they were there. The “if onlys” become plentiful. But, remember, you are not to blame for what happened to you. The person who violated you in whatever manner--they are responsible. They are the ones who should feel shame and guilt--not you.

In all of these cases, think of it this way:  there’s no way a bird could fly tethered to the ground. Likewise if we allow ourselves to be limited with the chains of guilt, we can never fully shine and become the people we are meant to become.

How can you break free of the chains of guilt? 

• Write in a journal. Include what you feel guilty about, rip it apart and really analyze where it stems from. From there, you’ll know exactly what you need to target and work on. You might realize you really have nothing to feel guilty over!
• Remember you are only human. Don’t expect perfection of yourself. If making mistakes meant the end of the world, the earth would have stopped spinning a lot time ago.
• Forgive yourself. This is a really tough one, but as you work through your self-healing journey, you will find that this eventually comes.
• Trust in yourself enough to know that you did the right thing for you.
• Realize you have the right to be happy.

--Carolyn Arnold

Overcoming Self-Doubt

When it comes to strained or broken relationships, there are times when all that may be needed is compromise. And when we're hurting, a stand we took that may have resulted in our current situation may fall under scrutiny.   We may start to question whether we made the right decision, maybe if we were too final in our choice. Remember, though, this you are where you're supposed to be at this moment.

Depending on our circumstance that thought can take our breath. Are you saying, I'm meant to be hurting? No, but I believe that your life's journey has given you a chance to blossom, to grow, to show what you are made of.

If we rejected due to who we are, including our set of beliefs and self-expression, self-doubt makes us wonder if we are worth anything. We can get so low that we don’t think we make a difference. After all, if a person, or people, we love so much can part ways with us, we can reason we’re worthless and our life no longer holds any purpose. We can get so low with these thoughts that we are pulled into a dark pit within us that would have us even possibly entertaining suicidal thoughts. But know you are not alone. (Refer to article “It’s Okay to Feel”.)

AND WAIT!

There’s that glimmer inside of you, even if it is very faint that tells you, you love yourself. There’s a spark of hope that whispers in your ear, ‘one day you’ll be happier than ever’.

BE ENCOURAGED!

If you’re feeling even that hint at a positive outlook, you’re making progress. You are on your way to overcoming self-doubt.

But what if you’re so blue, you can’t find that inner spark? I’ll provide a few steps that have helped me, but first you have to really examine the reason for the dissolved relationship. Going back to the matter of compromise, we have to ask ourselves this important question: If I made this compromise, would I be happy?

Let’s give this question some thought.

Imagine yourself making this compromise.You may picture yourself in their arms, being told how much they love you. They are smiling at you, BUT THEN, the image transforms. You realize that you made the ultimate compromise—things haven’t changed! Wait a minute, that’s not what you want. They can hug you and speak of love now because you are who they want you to be. But are you who you want to be? Are you free to be the true you without judgment?

Suddenly the picture comes clearer into focus. By making that compromise, you made the ultimate sacrifice—you muted your inner self. You told yourself that it’s okay to listen to other people for direction in your life.

Know this, when you have the above-noted imagining you are on your way to healing. You realize no relationship, no matter how dear and precious it may be to your heart, is worth sacrificing you.

Consider what really ended the relationship and think on these three questions:

• To repair the relationship would I be making all the compromises?
• Will I be truly happy to “settle” in the relationship while the main issues boil beneath the surface?
• Am I simply wanting to make amends to stop the hurting?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it is probably best to move on. Your first impulse is likely telling you, ‘that’s not going to be easy, I still love them’. And that’s fine, you can love them, but from a distance. You can love them and accept them on your terms. Along with doing this, there has to be forgiveness and acceptance—two things that will come over time. (Refer to the article Honor Yourself and future articles that will follow on this subject.)

How can you find that inner spark that will lead to healing?

• Remember, you have the right to be you!
• Grab and hold onto your core beliefs stronger than ever.
• Know you will grow stronger as a person.
• View this change in your life as a challenge, as something to grow from. (Most of us can’t say no to a challenge, come on, it’s in our nature!)
• Know that you have something to share with the world around you.
• Correct negative “self-talk” with positive mantras.

As you continue on your journey toward self-discovery and healing, you’ll realize it’s not an easy road, but it is rewarding. You really get to know yourself, “what makes you tick”, what makes you happy, what your beliefs are. And by overcoming self-doubt, you will be well on your way to a happier state of being.

-- Carolyn Arnold

Honor Yourself

When you think about it, we are grieving losses everyday, in many ways.  Some things we might label small, some things we might label big.  It might be the figure we had when we first got married.  It might be the loss of a loved one or the ending of a relationship.  Whatever losses we are going through are unique to us because each of us moves through the process of grieving at our own pace and in our own way.  It is a process and a significant part of our journey in life. 

Something I have learned along the way is when faced with loss, it is extremely important to honor yourself, honor your feelings.  They are yours after all.  They are there for you to acknowledge something—learn, heal and grow.  Silencing them, pretending they aren’t there, putting on a happy face, burying them, will only slow down the healing process.  It’s like trying to hold a beach ball under water.  We will become exasperated from our efforts as the ball continually attempts to resurface.

So go easy on yourself.  We live in a fast-paced society.  There’s fast food, fast traffic, fast comforts on credit.  We want everything now and to pay the price later.  Well that doesn’t work when you say to yourself, “Fast.  Get over your grief already!”

We have to slow down, get quiet, feel our feelings, cry, and pay the price of time and effort on our healing journey.  The thing is if we don’t pay for it now, we will pay for it later – with interest!

It is in honoring yourself, giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, that you can then begin to open to ways of moving forward.

~ Sherry Buikema

It's Okay to Feel

Now that I’ve started down this path of sharing my experience, there’s a part of me that knows some of you have undergone such ordeals in your life, that I feel mine pales by comparison. But I've told myself not to feel this way. Anything that affects me so deeply that my emotions and life course are altered due to it, I have the right to experience and express these feelings. And thereby, others who are going through life-changing experiences can (hopefully) be inspired and realize that what they are going through is completely normal.

There’s a certain level of shame that comes with admitting heartbreak, a stigmatism we’ve tattooed on the emotion. As if by feeling, we’re weak.

That’s far from the truth. In fact, I assure you that is quite the opposite of the truth.

I do not have a PHD, or some fancy background in psychology, I am just your “girl next door”, but I’m sharing the emotions and the cycles I’m working through to hopefully help others struggling through ordeals in their lives.

I believe the first step is admission that you have a right to feel. You might reason, ‘The world doesn’t want to hear my problems. They just want to hear about when I’m happy and have excitement to spread.’

This, in my opinion, is one fault of the modern world. It breeds in those who are depressed that they should retreat and isolate themselves until they are ‘feeling better’. It provides fuel to a volatile situation because we cannot heal in darkness.

Now, I realize that it’s a proven fact that positive energy attracts, but you have the right to feel the way you are. Acknowledge that you have the right to take things how you emotionally respond, regardless of how others may feel about your reaction.

No one person on this planet is happy all the time. Remember that.

You’ll have people, I have no doubt, who may look on your situation and say “get it together”, “why are you so emotional”, “will you stop crying”.

Sometimes these voices even come from within. They can originate from ‘programming’ through our childhood.

Here’s a good question, why are we trying to silence our emotions when they are trying to tell us something is wrong?

If you were sick with a fever, would you dismiss the symptoms—the lightheartedness, the dizziness, and the fact that an untreated fever can hurt you long-term? Or would you seek medical help?

The answer is obvious. You would seek medical treatment.

So, why when your heart, mind, and soul are telling you ‘something is out of whack here’, ‘I’m hurting’, ‘I feel lost’, do you ignore it?

Did you know that if you bury these feelings of hurt, that they are never going to leave your system? You are laying the foundation for future stress-related illness, whether you may realize it or not.

How can you progress in your healing journey? Here are a few things:

1) Write down what you are grateful for every day. It doesn’t have to be grandiose things. Maybe a stranger smiled at you, a baby giggled, someone held the door open for you or brought you a coffee. Be grateful for life and every aspect of it, no matter how minute. When dwelling on what we are thankful for, the negative emotions are tampered down.

I’ll help you with this one. I’ve added gratitude post to the “I am a Shining Soul” Facebook page with a quick link to it on the right-hand sidebar. Share what you're grateful for. You can do it throughout the day, once a day,  or however many times you feel inclined. By sharing with the community, you’ll also help lift up others.

2) Record your feelings in a journal. Like me initially, you might not think you need to do this, but it is helpful.

3) Think of others and help them. It is said that the best way to help ourselves is to help others. We need each other. Our energies combine to make the world what it is. Are we contributing to a positive society? This is something that will take more time because when we’re low, we retreat and desire to isolate ourselves.

4) Remain encouraged. If you have a light inside, no matter how faint, that is telling you that you have the right to be you then you are on the right path.

Closing thoughts:

Most of us are familiar with Superman and Kryptonite. View positive feelings, emotions, and energy as the ultimate Kryptonite against negative feelings, emotions and energy.

-- Carolyn Arnold