When it comes to strained or broken relationships, there are times when all that may be needed is compromise. And when we're hurting, a stand we took that may have resulted in our current situation may fall under scrutiny. We may start to question whether we made the right decision, maybe if we were too final in our choice. Remember, though, this you are where you're supposed to be at this moment.
Depending on our circumstance that thought can take our breath. Are you saying, I'm meant to be hurting? No, but I believe that your life's journey has given you a chance to blossom, to grow, to show what you are made of.
If we rejected due to who we are, including our set of beliefs and self-expression, self-doubt makes us wonder if we are worth anything. We can get so low that we don’t think we make a difference. After all, if a person, or people, we love so much can part ways with us, we can reason we’re worthless and our life no longer holds any purpose. We can get so low with these thoughts that we are pulled into a dark pit within us that would have us even possibly entertaining suicidal thoughts. But know you are not alone. (Refer to article “It’s Okay to Feel”.)
There’s that glimmer inside of you, even if it is very faint that tells you, you love yourself. There’s a spark of hope that whispers in your ear, ‘one day you’ll be happier than ever’.
If you’re feeling even that hint at a positive outlook, you’re making progress. You are on your way to overcoming self-doubt.
But what if you’re so blue, you can’t find that inner spark? I’ll provide a few steps that have helped me, but first you have to really examine the reason for the dissolved relationship. Going back to the matter of compromise, we have to ask ourselves this important question: If I made this compromise, would I be happy?
Let’s give this question some thought.
Imagine yourself making this compromise.You may picture yourself in their arms, being told how much they love you. They are smiling at you, BUT THEN, the image transforms. You realize that you made the ultimate compromise—things haven’t changed! Wait a minute, that’s not what you want. They can hug you and speak of love now because you are who they want you to be. But are you who you want to be? Are you free to be the true you without judgment?
Suddenly the picture comes clearer into focus. By making that compromise, you made the ultimate sacrifice—you muted your inner self. You told yourself that it’s okay to listen to other people for direction in your life.
Know this, when you have the above-noted imagining you are on your way to healing. You realize no relationship, no matter how dear and precious it may be to your heart, is worth sacrificing you.
Consider what really ended the relationship and think on these three questions:
- To repair the relationship would I be making all the compromises?
- Will I be truly happy to “settle” in the relationship while the main issues boil beneath the surface?
- Am I simply wanting to make amends to stop the hurting?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it is probably best to move on. Your first impulse is likely telling you, ‘that’s not going to be easy, I still love them’. And that’s fine, you can love them, but from a distance. You can love them and accept them on your terms. Along with doing this, there has to be forgiveness and acceptance—two things that will come over time. (Refer to the article Honor Yourself and future articles that will follow on this subject.)
How can you find that inner spark that will lead to healing?
- Remember, you have the right to be you!
- Grab and hold onto your core beliefs stronger than ever.
- Know you will grow stronger as a person.
- View this change in your life as a challenge, as something to grow from. (Most of us can’t say no to a challenge, come on, it’s in our nature!)
- Know that you have something to share with the world around you.
- Correct negative “self-talk” with positive mantras.
As you continue on your journey toward self-discovery and healing, you’ll realize it’s not an easy road, but it is rewarding. You really get to know yourself, “what makes you tick”, what makes you happy, what your beliefs are. And by overcoming self-doubt, you will be well on your way to a happier state of being.
-- Carolyn Arnold
-- Carolyn Arnold